I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
