oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
