Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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