I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
