Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
