ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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