having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
