Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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