Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
do herpes really smell.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
