I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
