Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
