I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
