Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
try to milk me bitch
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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