He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
