hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize