everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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