I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
