You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
