It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
where are my eyebrows?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
