we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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