I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
