When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
