You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
