my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
