Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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