The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
