Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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