I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
