you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You're like the curious george of whores
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
