My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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