woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I need to calm my uterus...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
