I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the liver wants what the liver wants
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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