Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
