worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
