Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
