I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
