pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
