4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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