How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
