did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
