is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
