my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
