"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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