I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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