i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
