If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
