I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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