i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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