I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You ruined the universe
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
