So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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