I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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