totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize