hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
