In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
