why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
